40 Somethingbitch, the delinquent and the kids have been on our holidays! A sleepy town in North Wales that has, as far as I can see not very much going for it. The town consists of a single street with a supermarket at one end and a caravan sales place on the other. The sea front consists of a car park, a cafe, public toilets, a gift shop and an amusement arcade. That's it. No McDonald's, KFC, or Pizza Hut, no cinema or bowling alleys, no donkey rides, no rock pools for spending the day with a net. No aquariums, visitor centers, or swimming pools, no nightclubs or discos. It is in fact a bit like going on holiday in the 1970's and that in itself does lend itself to a certain charm.
The caravan is on a site 4 miles away from the town, on a sheep farm, and is a pleasant, well run place if perhaps a tad quiet. There is no mobile phone signal, no internet and no telly! We took a telly with a built in DVD player and loads of DVD's. I found some books on tape which proved to be a life saver, lots of pens, pencils and paper, some revision stuff as we are close to our SAT's and of course the lifesaving pack of playing cards. Enough food rations to feed the 5,000 and the mountain of stuff the Delinquent needs (Dog blanket, food, bowls, poo bags, leads, spike, reinforced steel chain). We were I thought ready for anything (have I mentioned optimism is new middle name?).
The first challenge as a single mum with two children aged 11 and 8 was to actually set the caravan up. It was actually easier than I had imagined. We arrived, got the dogs spike out of the car, screwed it into the grass and attached him to his reinforced (very expensive, galvanised steel) chain. This meant there was absolutely no way he could be a nuisance or eat the lambs that were bouncing about in the next field. We managed to connect the gas bottle, plug the electrics in, find the hosepipe and set up the waste water, unpack the car, find places for everything, and sit down with a cup of tea. We investigated the chemical toilet and decided that as the toilet and shower block was only 50 yards away we would not need to use that, I very smugly decided I was superwoman! Squeak and the Delinquent were to prove me yet again very wrong!
Squeak was born to be a gypsy! she is awake at first light, plays out for hours and hours, coming in when it gets dark. After 3 days of waking everyone up at 6 am I eventually in desperation devised a new plan.
40 something: "Squeak... for every day you manage not to wake everyone up until 8am I will give you a pound!"
Squeaks eyes lit up - "to spend on whatever I want?" 40 something "of course sweetheart"
The first few days of this plan involved waking me up at 8am, getting her pound, shooting off to the garage at the top of the site and buying the biggest chocolate bar she could find. Returning to the caravan she would make a nest, pick up her Enid Blyton book, and eat choc until she heard other kids playing. Then she would shoot off out until I eventually had drunk a bucket of coffee and felt human enough to make her breakfast. Once again I smugly decided I was superwoman.
It was the Delinquents ADHD problems that set Squeak off on her new mission.
The Delinquent HATES the caravan! He has to behave! We can't let him off anywhere as it's lambing season and I have mentioned before he has issues with small fluffy things. He is a very vocal dog, and likes to bark, especially when the kids are playing with balls or frisbees. If he barks he gets locked inside the caravan as he is not allowed to annoy the other happy campers! Caravanning according to the Delinquent is the worst nightmare he has ever had!
I devised a new plan. Every day I would take him to the beach, where he could run about, bark, chase seagulls, roll in dead things and generally be annoying all by himself. However he decided to be knob about the beach! If there was another family on the beach with a ball - he would steal it! Because his teeth are sharp he would more often than not burst it and leave said family in tears with people shouting at me about controlling my dog! (I know my dog is not very well behaved, but I am amazed at how many children these days are terrified of dogs) I was not to be beaten! I found a beach that families don't use. Then he decided that everything the kids picked up, shells, stones, seaweed was his to be shredded, thrown about and rolled about in. Not giving him their treasure involved lots of barking and jumping to get the particular item.
I threatened that he would end up in an orphanage if he carried on and ended up buying him a "Halti" which makes him look like a dangerous dog as it looks like a muzzle. It is just designed to stop him pulling, and encourages him to behave. He predictably hates it. Holidays now involve no barking, no freedom, and a stupid muzzle thing. He hates me!
Squeak discovered that the "safe" dog walking beach was next to the only arcade in the village. Squeak loves lights, music, candy floss, penny sweets and arcade games with a passion. An already stressed 40somethingbitch now not only has to walk the dog (who looks like Hannibal Lector with his Halti on) but then has to indulge her 8 year old daughter who has earned her pound in the arcardes every morning. Feeling frazzled, no make up often not even having had a shower as my goal is to get the bloody dog walked, I wonder if the cool dudes who hang around these arcade places thought we were a family of new age travelers or potential Jeremy Kyle guests. It's not every day you see a forty something woman with waist length purple hair (amazing grey roots) leopard skin wellies and a fag, hanging on to a dog that looks like Hannibal Lector whilst the apple of her eye buys candy floss and plays on machines at 10am in the morning!
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