I did not mean to write another post about dogs so soon, so if dogs are not your thing then check back tomorrow, when I will have thought of something else to say. But yesterdays post got me thinking about all the disasters I have with my dog, so I thought I would share a few more, which is probably much more interesting than telling you a load of techno rubbish about how easy (not) it is to add buttons and stuff to your blog so people can follow you. I have spent a good proportion of my day doing this and learning as I go along, and if cleaning causes me to lose the will to live then googling "How do I ...........? and reading the various answers and solutions causes a reaction in me similar to major blood loss trauma. However I think I have cracked it. There are now buttons you can press to follow my blog, and buttons to share my blog, and I even managed to set up accounts with twitter etc. I am superwoman!
If the delinquent is the Frank Gallagher of the dog world, then the Robber is Benedict Cumberbatch! A large graceful black lab who weighs in at 7 and half stone and is the gentlest giant you could ever want to meet. The Robber often comes to stay with us and the two dogs have a great time trashing the house, scrapping, taking over the sofa's sleeping on my bed, and having competitions between themselves to see which of them can make the worst smell!
We all adore the Robber, the delinquent puffs his chest up and thinks he has his very own gang, and the the kids get a lot of fun with him, generally at my expense (more about that later). The Robber, does have a few things though that get some getting used to. Walking him is like walking a baby bull elephant. He has no concept at all of walking to heel and charges about like an over excited toddler in a sweet shop. His weight, combined with fact that the delinquent is on a lead in the other hand means I end up being dragged all over the road, or fields, or grass, or rivers, or footpaths or wherever he decides to go really whenever he feels like it. The kids laugh their heads off, and I just look like a total doofus. His other major failing is that he is a born robber and there is no food he will not eat. The robber has been known to sniff out a chocolate advent calendar safely stashed away in a bedroom, steal it and retreat back to his bed so he can snaffle it in peace, and then look completely innocent and surprised when the evidence is discovered hours later.
Walking the Robber is problematical, obviously having no control over two dogs going down the street is not a good look, not to mention quite dangerous sometimes, so I solve the issue by throwing both dogs in the car and driving them somewhere remote where they can run about to their hearts content.
It was a horrible day in autumn, wet and windy and we were at the canal. I had a fancy new handbag and my plan was to park the car, walk the dogs for a mile or so down the canal where there is a Tesco, tie the dogs up outside, pick up some bread and milk and walk back. Simple
The reality was the Robber, who loves to swim, jumped in the canal. I did not worry overmuch (he is a dog, he likes water, and he can swim) the delinquent quite happily stumped along the towpath and everything was serene. Till we got to a bit of the canal that used to have a small lock on it, The Robber was quite happily swimming along the canal when we came across two yummy mummies out with their precious darlings feeding the ducks. One of the mummies started yelling at me that the sides were too steep for the dog to climb out and she thought he would drown. I tried to point out that the Robber would just swim to the end of the steep sided bit and climb out but she was having non of it. So I carefully put down my new handbag, knelt down in the mud, and yanked out a seven and half stone dog onto the towpath who promptly landed on the new bag! Then proceeded to shake the spare water off all over me and the bag! I arrived at Tesco looking like something the cat dragged in, smiled at the checkout operator who looked slightly taken aback to be confronted by such a vision, trudged the mile back to the car with two happy dogs and a wrecked new bag!
I need a deep breath to tell you my next story as it's not for the faint hearted. The Robbers predilection for stealing food when ever and where ever he can get it sometimes leaves him with a bit of an upset stomach. The Robber had been staying with us for a day or two and had managed to beg, borrow or steal quite a lot of extra titbits. Sunday morning dawned and the kids very graciously let me have a bit of a lie in, the plan was, clean up, stick a roast in the oven, load the dogs in the car, drive 3 miles to the local reservoir, walk the dogs for an hour or two, come back have Sunday lunch. Job done.
What happened was very, very different. We set off all loaded up, two dogs, two kids and myself. After the usual spat as to who was sitting in the front, Squeak ended up in the front, Bubble went on the back seat with the dogs. (I did have a guard to keep them in the boot, the delinquent wrecked it) Bubble had his nose in a book when he suddenly said "Mum - one of the dogs has done a whiffy" we sighed and opened all the windows. The smell got worse and worse, Bubble finally took his nose out of his book and said "erm....Mum - The Robber has had an accident in the car!"
Things went from bad to worse after that, I could not stop as we were on a main road, so I turned off onto a narrow country lane pelted along, hell for leather with all the windows and the sunroof open until we reached our destination. Letting the dogs and two horrified kids out of the car I assessed the damage. The robbers "accident" looked like an elephant poo. This was compounded by the fact that he had walked through it and so was all over the back seat and window! Looking in the boot I discover the only bags I had for cleaning up were the extra large fabric bags from Aldi! I cleaned up as best I could and we all set off to walk round the reservoir
While I walked I formulated a new plan. We would walk the dogs, then drive to Tesco, park at the bottom of the car park (so no-one would know what we were up to) and buy stuff to clean and disinfect the car. We got back to the car to discover one of the tyres was going flat and the kids point blank refused to sit in the back. We ended up with Bubble in the front seat, Squeak in the footwell, two happy dogs in the back, and me driving very carefully.
Supplies were duly bought, we let the dogs out of the car and operation clean up began. An hour later we limped into the garage to put air in the tyre and finally we made it back home.
Dinner was burnt!
Squeak is disgusted at us today. Her April fools day pranks was not appreciated. Offering to make Bubble his morning cereal she promptly put lemon juice into the milk to curdle it. Bubble was definitely not amused when not only had she done that - she had used the last of the crunchy nut cornflakes so he had to have Weetabix. I was even less amused to find there was hardly any milk left for that all important first bucket of coffee that always starts my day.
Thanks for reading
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